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Our Horoscopes Archive - December 2009

The Board Says...
Is your sign missing for this week? Get over it. How important do you think you are, anyway?

What better way to dwell on past mistakes than to return to and linger over the horoscopes that told you what you should have done, if only you'd had the sense to listen? Take a stroll down memory lane here - revisit those horrible oversights, those disastrously optimistic choices you made way back when, that turned your life into what it is now.

We all know horoscopes are fake, right? Science, schmience! For entertainment only! But these, at least, had some good, solid, helpful hints for handling what was coming your way! And they were (still are) FREE! If only you'd taken a moment to look at them, or taken them seriously....

The Realist explains why the Board only did horoscopes one week in November:
"Well - what did you expect?"

Week of 12/07/2009

Holiday season, end of the fiscal year, end of the calendar year. Time to look back, time to look ahead. Can you pay your bills? Can you satisfy your friends' and relatives' expectations? What have you done with your year? And are prospects any better for next year? These are all the questions you face now. And with those in mind, you need all the help you can get - no matter when you were born.

Aries 2 of 4
Feeling peeved about something? Something someone did? Use your Rationalizer to get out of the situation, Realist to hold on to the resentment.
Leo 2 of 4
Remember: you really are, and deserve to be, the center of attention now as always. If someone's not willing to acknowledge this, well, list to the Realist.
Sagittarius 2 of 4
You haven't been listening. It's PAST TIME for you to have a serious sit-down with the Realist.
Taurus 2 of 4
See Aries - you have an equally tempting opportunity to nurture a grudge. Take advantage! For an extra boost, listen to your Escalator.
Virgo 2 of 4
Do you know what you're doing with the rest of your life? If not, what's your measly, insufficient excuse? Spend some quality time with the Planner, before it's too late.
Capricorn 2 of 4
There's something goign on that you need to take MUCH more seriously than you are. For Pete's sake, examine EVERYTHING!
Gemini 2 of 4
So, you like paradox, eh? Well, your relatives are preparing to dish you up a full plate of it. You're going to need some bolstering - check in with your Rewarder.
Libra 2 of 4
Prepare for heavy weather. And we mean that metaphorically.
Aquarius 2 of 4

Cancer 2 of 4
Now's your opportunity: express yourself, loud, long, hard, and often. Feeling inhibited? Your Expresser can help.
Scorpio 2 of 4
Remember that thing you've been worrying about? Well...

Pisces 2 of 4
Remember when we told you to SLOW THINGS DOWN? Now you're way too slow. Get your ass in gear.


Understanding your Board of Mis-Directors horoscope

1 of 4 You can squeak by with advice from only one or two of us. But don't get cocky.
2 of 4 In addition to your usual Board members, you'll need supplemental advice from some others.
3 of 4 Hm - likely to be an interesting week for you! Lots of us will chime in to help.
All Board members on deck! Batten down the hatches! Disconnect the phone! Whatever you do, stay OFF email, Facebook, and all chat rooms! Emergency! Red alert!!! You'll need all the help we can give!