Our Horoscopes Archive

The Board Says...
Is your sign missing for this week? Get over it. How important do you think you are, anyway?

Always relevant cautionary pointers from your past!

What better way to dwell on past mistakes than to return to and linger over the horoscopes that told you what you should have done, if only you'd had the sense to listen? Take a stroll down memory lane here - revisit those horrible oversights, those disastrously optimistic choices you made way back when, that turned your life into what it is now.

We all know horoscopes are fake, right? Science, schmience! For entertainment only! But these, at least, had some good, solid, helpful hints for handling what was coming your way! And they were (still are) FREE! If only you'd taken a moment to look at them, or taken them seriously....

Past Months' Archives

Month of August 2011

Ah, the waning of the summer. Soon, school starts up, vacations are over, and then the cold weather comes. Now, while it's still hot as blazes, is the perfect time to take a close look at yourself and your life. A critical look. A realistic look. There's not much time left. Once again, you need all the help you can get - no matter when you were born.

Aries March 21-April 29 Summer - a time for deep inner reflection, or a time for relaxation and wild, crazy play? You'd best rethink your answer to this, Aries. How much trouble has your fiery-ness brought you in the past, eh?	Leo July 23-Aug 22 Hey, birthday guy/gal, think: there was something you really, really needed to accomplish this summer, to set you up for the rest of your life. What was it? Oh, well - The Forgetter says it was probably not important anyway.	Sagittarius Nov 22-Dec 21 It wasn't your fault, really. Could have happened to anyone. And if the others had done their part, it NEVER would have come to this.
Taurus April 20-May 20 Whatever.	Virgo Aug 23-Sept 22 Why are you letting them get away with that? What are you, a doormat? Make them sorry!!!	Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19 Looking back in reflection is good - but looking ahead in projection is even better. Use this time to worry about what may be coming this fall. (If you can't think of anything personal, use the debt ceiling and US economy in general.) The Realist can help you develop these ideas.
Gemini May 21-June 20 Now's a great time for a task from the Processor, called How Deep Can You Go? It starts out like this: Make a list of 5 things you've always wanted to do but haven't yet. Now, for each item, make a list of all the reasons you have failed to do it. Now, for each of those reasons, ... (Yes, there's more. For the rest, go here.)	Libra Sept 22-Oct 22 How hard you've tried over the last few months! You deserve to take a week of slacking. Make sure you eat all the junk food you want, too. You totally deserve it.	Aquarius Jan 20-Feb 18 Remember last time, when recommended our little publication, The Horrors of Intimacy? We sincerely hope you read it thoroughly, because you're going to need every little tidbit of advice there.
Cancer June 21-July 22 You've heard a lot over the last few weeks about some part of you that is bugging someone. It is now time to let that person know just what bugs you about them. Don't be shy.	Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21 What have you been doing these last few months? Get busy! If you still just can't get motivated - which, knowing you, is possible - let the Rationalizer help you get your excuses ready.	Pisces Feb 19-Mar 20 It's too late. There's nothing you can do now.

Understanding your Board of Mis-Directors horoscope

	You can squeak by with advice from only one or two of us. But don't get cocky.
	In addition to your usual Board members, you'll need supplemental advice from some others.
	Hm - likely to be an interesting week for you! Lots of us will chime in to help.
	Batten down the hatches! Disconnect the phone! Whatever you do, stay OFF email, Facebook, and all chat rooms! Emergency! Red alert!!! You'll need all the help we can give!