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Our Horoscopes

The Board Says...
Is your sign missing for this week? Get over it. How important do you think you are, anyway?

Always relevant cautionary pointers for your upcoming week!

We all know horoscopes are fake, right? Science, schmience! For entertainment only! But these, at least, have some good, solid, helpful hints for handling what's coming your way! And they're FREE! (Or visit our horoscope archives - What better way to dwell on past mistakes than to return to and linger over the horoscopes that told you what you should have done, if only you'd had the sense to listen?)

Week of 9/6/2010

Labor Day. A day of - let's face it - indulgence justified by the notion of celebrating those who work. Do you deserve to indulge? After all you've done? Of course! And will you regret it painfully, within hours? Oh, yes, indeed. From hangovers to weight gain to the repercussions of speaking your mind while intoxicated, Labor Day is one of those holidays with the potential to keep on giving. Once again, you need all the help you can get - no matter when you were born.

Aries March 21-April 29
3 of 4
Can you really, legitimately celebrate Labor Day? Have you really labored as much as, say, your parents would have expected of you?

Leo July 23-Aug 22
2 of 4
Whoa! What were you thinking last week? You'd better hop to it! Get busy! Or the consequences could be dire! The Rationalizer can help you get your excuses ready.

Sagittarius Nov 22-Dec 21
1 of 4
Taurus April 20-May 20
3 of 4
You still know what we mean!
Virgo Aug 23-Sept 22
3 of 4
Ok, so now your birthday is coming up (or just past). Take a good inventory. The Critic can help you in this endeavor, and the Processor can help you understand how you got to be this way.
Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19
2 of 4
Today is the first day of the rest of your life. But it's so terribly much like all the previous days. Is it even possible to change? The Realist can point you to the truth.
Gemini May 21-June 20
3 of 4
It's been a long, hot summer, Gemini. And the fall, for you, is likely to get even hotter. As in, hot water. As in, out of the frying pan into the fire. As in, like others around you, you may be wanting ice water. Only the Planner and the Rationalizer can help you now.
Libra Sept 22-Oct 22
1 of 4
Libra, you've had a tough run - one in which you've made use of almost every one of us. This week looks easier: you may only need a one or two of us. But don't get too cocky - you KNOW what that can lead to. Consult the Critic for a quick reminder of what happened last time.
Aquarius Jan 20-Feb 18
4 of 4
Remember last time, when we asked about you and your partner? Hm. Have you spoked to the Realist lately about the nature of men (or women, whichever)? Are you at all familiar with our little publication, The Horrors of Intimacy?
Cancer June 21-July 22
2 of 4
We've been watching you, Cancer. Oh, yes, we have. And the Expresser has a special message for you.
Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21
3 of 4
Ever feel like you're caught in a trap? Like your life, your relationships, are hemming you in? Take advantage of the counsel of the Escalator to blast yourself out of it.

Pisces Feb 19-Mar 20
1 of 4
Here's one of the Critic's favorite tasks, just for you:

Make a list of everything - everything - you've screwed up in the past week. Now rank each on a scale of 1-5 on how bad a screw-up it was. (For advanced students, multiply each score by the number of people it affected.) Now add them all up. This is your screw-up score for the week. Enjoy!


Understanding your Board of Mis-Directors horoscope

1 of 4 You can squeak by with advice from only one or two of us. But don't get cocky.
2 of 4 In addition to your usual Board members, you'll need supplemental advice from some others.
3 of 4 Hm - likely to be an interesting week for you! Lots of us will chime in to help.
All Board members on deck! Batten down the hatches! Disconnect the phone! Whatever you do, stay OFF email, Facebook, and all chat rooms! Emergency! Red alert!!! You'll need all the help we can give!