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Our Horoscopes Archive - August 2010

The Board Says...
Is your sign missing for this week? Get over it. How important do you think you are, anyway?

What better way to dwell on past mistakes than to return to and linger over the horoscopes that told you what you should have done, if only you'd had the sense to listen? Take a stroll down memory lane here - revisit those horrible oversights, those disastrously optimistic choices you made way back when, that turned your life into what it is now.

We all know horoscopes are fake, right? Science, schmience! For entertainment only! But these, at least, had some good, solid, helpful hints for handling what was coming your way! And they were (still are) FREE! If only you'd taken a moment to look at them, or taken them seriously....

Week of 8/16/2010

End of the summer, beginning of the school year: a time of transition. Time to look back, time to look ahead. Did you really take advantage of the summer vacation? Of the long days? Remember what last fall (or last school year) was like? And are prospects any better for this fall? These are all the questions you face now. And with those in mind, you need all the help you can get - no matter when you were born.

Aries 2 of 4
Itching to do something? Well, that's a definite sign that you need to slow down and check in with the Planner. There are a gazillion details you're missing.
Leo 3 of 4
Fire sign, eh? Well, show it! The Escalator can help you get your game on.
Sagittarius 2 of 4
The Realist. Grow up a bit, finally, and realize that this is just how things are, and you can't change anything.
Taurus 1 of 4
There's just one of us you need right now, Taurus: the Forgetter. Insulate yourself from unpleasantness and responsibility!
Virgo 2 of 4
Do you know what you're doing with the rest of your life YET? If not, what's your measly, insufficient excuse? Haven't we been telling you for months to spend some quality time with the Planner?
Capricorn 1 of 4
Have you noticed the similarity between "Capricorn" and "capricious"? The Critic can help you see this.
Gemini 4 of 4
Ah, Gemini - the Twins. This means you're going to get in twice as much trouble. You are so going to need to be able to rationalize.
Libra 2 of 4
Are you feeling the heat yet? You'll be sweating it soon. Turn it back on them: consult the Expresser.
Aquarius 3 of 4
Remember what your mother always told you? Or maybe what she SHOULD have told you? Check in with the Critic.
Cancer 2 of 4
Feeling inhibited? Feeling polite? Your Expresser can help.
Scorpio 3 of 4
You just need to talk about things more. A lot more. Every day, for hours.

Pisces 2 of 4
What the heck have you gotten yourself into????

Week of 8/23/2010

Well, it's pretty much over now. And for that, you can either celebrate (if you've been killing time over the summer - because, after all, it's too hot to do anything) or go into mourning (wasted! wasted! wasted!!!). One more measly weekend, and then it's September. To take full advantage of this last week of August, you need all the help you can get - no matter when you were born.

Aries March 21-April 29
1 of 4
It happens to all of us: that urge to better ourselves, to learn something new, to grow and change. Resist! The Realist can help you see what a load of hogwash that is.

Leo July 23-Aug 22
4 of 4
Chill! Just chill! There's no need for you to stress over obligations and duties! Seek the counsel of the Forgetter.

Sagittarius Nov 22-Dec 21
2 of 4

4 whole months to go until your birthday! You've waited 8 long months for your birthday treat. The Rewarder says, do it now. Just give in to whatever you want.
Taurus April 20-May 20
3 of 4
You need the Processor, the Planner, and most of all, the Rationalizer. Right now! How else will you justify what you haven't yet done? You know what we mean!
Virgo Aug 23-Sept 22
2 of 4
Ok, so now your birthday is coming up. And we repeat: Do you know what you're doing with the rest of your life YET? If not, what's your measly, insufficient excuse? Haven't we been telling you for months to spend some quality time with the Planner? But now you also need the help of at least 3 more of us!!!
Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19
3 of 4
Procrastination, thy middle name is Capricorn. At least for this week. And if it isn't, you will find yourself doing some very unpleasant things which could easily be put off until - next week?
Gemini May 21-June 20
2 of 4
Remember last week when we warned you that you were going to get in twice as much trouble? If you didn't take our advice and get the counsel of the Rationalizer, the chickens will be coming home to roost this week - and they've been eating some really colorful fruits, if you know what we mean. Prepare to be stained.
Libra Sept 22-Oct 22
4 of 4
Let's see - taxes? No. School? No. Vacation? No. Birthday? Not yet. No, it's the mirror. That's your stressor this week. Need help seeing why? Consult the Critic.
Aquarius Jan 20-Feb 18
3 of 4
How are things with you and your partner? Really? Are you sure? Positive?
Cancer June 21-July 22
1 of 4
That old thing about throwing salt over your left shoulder - you should have done it the other day. Though it probably wouldn't have helped...
Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21
4 of 4
Look at the bright side: nothing's ever going to change, so why do anything?

Pisces Feb 19-Mar 20
3 of 4
Your mother will be offended if you don't go see her; your father will be angry if you skip visiting him; your friends are all wanting you to spend time with them; and your dog hasn't been walked for a week. If you don't feel guilty, you need a quick check-in with the Critic, followed by a session with the Rationalizer.


Understanding your Board of Mis-Directors horoscope

1 of 4 You can squeak by with advice from only one or two of us. But don't get cocky.
2 of 4 In addition to your usual Board members, you'll need supplemental advice from some others.
3 of 4 Hm - likely to be an interesting week for you! Lots of us will chime in to help.
All Board members on deck! Batten down the hatches! Disconnect the phone! Whatever you do, stay OFF email, Facebook, and all chat rooms! Emergency! Red alert!!! You'll need all the help we can give!